Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
