Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
this hospital has no fireball
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
