Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
