I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
