i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
do herpes really smell.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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