can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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