things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
