She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
