There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Randomize
