Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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