i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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