What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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