So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I can't turn off my feet"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
