is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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