Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
