happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
