some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
