I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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