If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
