Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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