I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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