i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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