Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
