So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
