If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
