You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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