I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
