Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
