I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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