I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
