He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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