You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
