There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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