Small penises have feelings too.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
