By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
