So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
