Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
