Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
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No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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