I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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