Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
