the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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