i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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