I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
