apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
