Don't make out with my wife yet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
