Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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