Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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