she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
