I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
