I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
