my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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