You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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