My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
