im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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