if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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