my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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