She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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