Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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