I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
