i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
