I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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