I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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