sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
